Hockey Night In Canada–2020

Hockey Night In Canada–2020

By Tim Murray
March 1, 2010

Item: Vancouver Sun journalist Pete McMartin claims, in his column of February 27, that the next Canadian Olympic team should consist of ethnic minorities in the same proportions that they exist in Canadian society. Inevitably, quota hiring will soon be imposed on all sports teams in Canada.

This is only just. If third world immigrants cannot crack an NHL lineup it can only because of systemic racism. They have no role models and there are no hockey outreach initiatives in place to recruit potential talent in Central Africa, China or the Punjab.

And how many potential Sidney Crosbys are trapped in refugee camps? Let's hire Green Party leader Elizabeth May as our chief scout. We must open the floodgates to all 2 billion people who wish entry to Canada so they can fill our rosters and allow us to field a Rainbow of Athletes that Tim Hortons can use in their commercials.

We can compensate for the environmental impact the extra billions will have by cutting back on our own per captia consumption as the Greens demand. Like Captain John Smith of the RMS Titanic said, “We may be overloaded but we are diverse”. Let's here the chant. “We are diverse!” “We are diverse!” “We are diverse!”


Good Evening Hockey Fans in Canada and the United States . And a special hello to shut-ins and those who cant make it to the game tonight. Im Tim Token, with my colour commentator Kevin Weekes. We are here at Maple Gardens in Toronto to bring you a classic match-up between two old rivals in the Original Six. The Montreal Canadiens and the Toronto Maple Leafs. Thats right! French Canada and English Canada face off for bragging rights and two points that they so desperately need to earn a place in the upcoming Stanley Cup playoffs. Joining the game in progress lets follow Jim Huson with his play-by-play:

….. and now Gurpal Singh intercepts the puck at the blue line! He passes it to his sponsored cousin Hardeep Singh, Hardeep chips it back to the point to his sponsored cousin Darwhal Singh who arrived at Pearson International just in time for the game…Darwhal fakes the shot , then passes over to Gurpal….Singh over to Singh, back to Singh, who makes a cross-ice pass to Singh…..Singh shoots!…..

Zhou Chiang makes the save!! Zhou attempts to freeze it but his defenceman Wong head-mans the loose puck to “Chow Mein” Chow and Chow races toward the Canadiens line with one man back. Its a two-on-one break with Chan on his right! Montreal has just one defenceman back, Muhammad Ali Khan…..Chow dekes then shoots!….Turned aside by Haitian goaltender Jean Baby Doc Duvalier!

And now Hassan retrieves the puck and relieves pressure by rifling it down the ice. This will be icing against the Canadiens. Time for a line change. The African line jumps on the ice for the Maple Leafs, this time wearing skates which they just learned to use yesterday and their sticks look like Rwandan machetes from here.

Montreal counters with their checking line from Kandahar, the feared Taliban Trio who can prove explosive if they get a scoring opportunity…..Wait a minute, what is this? A fight has broken out!….Wong opens up with an upper cut to Singh, and then Singh replies with a concealed weapon, his ceremonial kirpan! Normally he would be thrown out of the game but the ref is allowing him to keep his ethnic identity.

Another Singh is trying to goad Chow Mein Chow into fisticuffs, but Chow backs off. He chicken Chow Mein! Now here is a right cross-hook from Yammamotto to a Korean-Canadian and he is out cold! Who is he? Its Duc Too Soon!

Now players on both sides are leaving the benches in a show of diversity! The Vietnamese are squaring off against the Filipinos! The Russians are taking on the Jamaicans! The Sikhs are fighting each other! The two native-born Canadians are trying to mediate! And the Muslims are screaming to the officials that it is all a Zionist plot!!! The Jews are behind it! The Jews are behind it!

Ladies and Gentlemen we are all enriched tonight!!! What we have here is Unity in Diversity!! Where is Spike Lee? ? Canada at its best! … Now who is that trying to get onto the ice and into the melee? It looks like they are Liberal Party recruiters…they are trying to sign up ethnic pugilists for their coming leadership convention!! !

And in comes Jack Layton for a photo op with the African line! Theyre designing a new brochure for the New Democratic Party called Standing Up for Ordinary Canadians. …The players are getting tired, but there is a taxi squad of Sikhs with fresh legs at the airport with special visas waiting to enter the fray. They cant skate, stickhandle or shot, but damn it all they are part of our mosaic!!!

Hey wait, some of these guys arent documented! No matter, they will receive amnesty during the second intermission. We expected Montreal star Hari Curry to break the game wide open earlier in the period with an offensive burst, but so far he has stunk the joint out…..Now it looks like Wong has gone into the corner and set up a grocery store…..Singh and Chan are injured and lying on the ice!!! Neither are yet covered by Medicare but they both insist that ICBC should pick up the tab…..Will the Canadiens be too exhausted for their game in New York tomorrow? They will have to catch an early morning plane if they cant get their carpets started tonight for a midnight flight…..Hopefully Al Queda Airlines will have a commuter run this weekend…….